Things you should know
- Any and all compliments can be handled by simply saying Why, thank you (though it helps if you say it with a Southern accent).
- Some people are working backstage, some are playing in the orchestra, some are on stage singing, some are in the audience as critics and some are there to applaud. Know who, and where you are.
- Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
- When baking, follow directions. When cooking, go by your own taste.
- Never continue dating anyone who is rude to the waiter and doesn't like dogs/cats.
- Good sex should involve laughter. Because think about it, it really is funny.
- You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
- The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship: I apologize and You are right.
- Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
- When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
- The only really good advice that I remember my mother ever gave me was, Go! You might meet somebody!
- If he/she says that you are too good for him/her — believe it.
- Pick your battles; Ask yourself, Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?
- Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
- If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
- Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.
- Knowing how to listen to music is as great a talent as knowing how to make it.
- Work is good but it's not that important.
- Never underestimate the kindness of your fellow man.
- And finally…be really nice to your friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.
A few wise words from Cliff Clavin of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went: "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this...A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones in the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
"In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
What They Said:
BBS says Too True on 11/24/2003
Truer words have never been spoken
... you can fit into it.. doesn't mean you should wear it.
Mouse over for a "large" view.
Clear Day Obituary
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend by the name of Common Sense who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such value lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm and that life isn't always fair.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not kids, are in charge). His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with
sexual harassment for kissing a classmate, teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch, and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student only worsened his condition. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an
Finally, Common sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband, churches became businesses and criminals received better
treatment than their victims. Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, she spilled a bit in her lap, and was awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by two stepbrothers; My Rights and Ima Whiner.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone
Astronaut Buzz Aldrin achieved his life's ambition at age 35 and wondered, what do you do after that?
At age 30, Mark Twain published his first short story, "Jim Smiley and His Jumping Frog." Physicist Armand H. L. Fizeau measured the speed of light. Bill Gates was the first person ever to become a billionaire by age 30.
At 26, Napoleon Bonaparte conquered Italy.
At 21, Thomas Alva Edison created his first invention, an electric vote recorder. After it failed to sell, he decided to devote his energy to inventions for which there was a market.
Also at 21, College dropout Steven Jobs co-founded Apple Computer.
At 15, Albert Einstein, with poor grades in geography, history and languages, dropped out of school.
Fats Domino was a professional pianist by 10.
At age 5, Mozart began composing minuets. Once when a second violinist failed to appear for a string quartet performance, Mozart took his place, even though he'd never seen the music.
Yeah.. great.. just what I needed was a little morale booster. [More]
Months that begin on a Sunday will always have a "Friday the 13th."
Robert E. Lee, of the Confederate Army, remains the only person, to date, to have graduated from the West Point military academy without a single demerit.
Oak trees do not have acorns until they are fifty years old or older.
A duck's quack doesn't echo. No one knows why.
The launching mechanism of a carrier ship that helps planes to take off could throw a pickup truck over a mile.
142857 is a cyclic number, the numbers of which always appear in the same order but rotated around when multiplied by any number from 1 to 6. 142857 * 2 = 285714 142857 * 3 = 428571 142857 * 4 = 571428 142857 * 5 = 714285 142857 * 6 = 857142
The longest U.S. highway is route 6 starting in Cape Cod, Massachusetts going through 14 states, and ending in Bishop, California.
The Boston University Bridge (on Commonwealth Avenue, Boston, Massachusetts) is the only place in the world where a boat can sail under a train driving under a car driving under an airplane.
No matter its size or thickness, no piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times.
Following is a list of normal, everday items. If they had genders, what would they be?
Ziploc Bags -- Male, because they hold everything in but you can see right through them.
Copier -- Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
Tire -- Male, because it goes bald and it's often over inflated.
Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it ... and, of course, there's the hot air part.
Sponges -- Female, because they're soft and squeezable and retain water.
Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.
Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
Remote Control -- Female ... Ha! You thought it'd be male. But consider: it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
Shut up and do something about it
I do not choose to be a common person.
It is my right to be uncommon -- if I can.
I seek opportunity -- not security.
I do not wish to be a kept citizen,
humbled and dulled by having the state look after me.
I want to take the calculated risk,
to dream and to build, to fail and to succeed.
I refuse to barter incentive for a dole;
I prefer the challenges of life to the guaranteed existence:
the thrill of fulfillment to the stale calm of Utopia.
I will not trade my freedom for beneficence
nor my dignity for a handout.
I will never cower before any earthly master
nor bend to any threat.
It is my heritage to stand erect, proud and
unafraid: to think and act for myself,
to enjoy the benefit of my creations
and to face the world boldly and say:
this, with God's help I have done.
All this is what it means to be an entrepreneur!
Singleness of Purpose
I'm dreaming of a white halloween
It's snowing... It's only October.
Don't believe anything you see
Digitally retouching a bikini model's photo Check out the archive for more examples and don't believe anything you see in magazines.
New Hearing Aid
"I got this great new hearing aid the other day," said John.
"Are you wearing it now?" asked Mary.
"Yup. Cost me four thousand dollars, but it's top of the line," John said proudly.
"What kind is it?" Mary asked.
"Twelve-thirty," answered John.
Flesh or Food?
The object is to see if you can tell the difference between something you can stick in your mouth at a public restaurant and something you can only stick in your mouth at err... ah.. umm.. So, if you think you know your basic food groups and/or your fun body parts, just Click Here MNBSFW
(de)Capitation for Lawyers?
What's wrong with this picture? Man gets fired from Coca-Cola. Man sues Coke. Man wins. Man gets $240,000. Lawyer gets $300,000. How is that right? [Atlanta Business Chronicle]
It's Old News...
but it's still funny.
Oh yeah baby
I walked into the kitchen and you were waiting for me. You were dressed in nothing but a light cover. I gently removed your wrapping and stepped back to enjoy your beauty. As I did, I noticed that you smelled delicious, like vanilla. I inhaled and felt my body grow warm.
I was nearly trembling with anticipation. I again approached you, with the intent of devouring you. Where to begin? My hands found your light, moist skin. My mouth began to water. I spread you apart, intent on your innermost secrets. I couldn't wait to have your cream on my lips. As my tongue encountered your sweetness I was nearly overwhelmed, dizzy with the excitement of tasting what was once forbidden. As always, the pleasure was guilty but complete.
There's nothing like a HostessTM cupcake.
What They Said:
BBS says Oh Man on 10/4/2003
ENevi says K-Meleon on 10/5/2003
The Cake looks sweet in K-Meleon (http://kmeleon.sourceforge.net). Love it. Off to fix thenevs.com...